• Eddie

This Is the Best Shop on the Internet, and This is the Best Stuff it Sells

Updated: May 18, 2020

Forget Amazon, forget SSENSE. Welcome to the perfectly kerned world of ULINE. The Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin based business materials supply company has been hawking corrugated cardboard boxes and packing peanuts since it was founded in it's owners' basement back in 1980 (I think that fact and its $5.8 Billion in yearly revenues make it a unicorn?) and has been expanding its utilitarian selection ever since. There isn't a discerning household across our great quarantined country that can't find something useful amongst its catalogue.

It's offerings are vast and varied, in both price and in their usefulness to laymen, From a $9,000 electronic pallet stacker, to an 80 cent pen. Lucky for you, I've combed the entirety of ULINE's chaotic inventory for the perfect products to bring order to our new dystopian world.

Every Day T-Shirt

Tired of cleaning t-shirts? Me too. How about a new one every day. ULINE will sell you a pack of 24 for $105. You're going to start to notice that ULINE isn't much for product descriptions. All I really know about these shirts is that they're "comfortable" and either navy, or white. I have no idea what their measurements are, but when I squint really hard that neck looks thicc. Sign me up. And I know what you're thinking - to which I say, our corporate overlords don't care about the environment. And if not me, ULINE is probably going to sell these to a fracking company founded yesterday by an overnight North Dakotan millionaire. And no level of ecological guilt can overpower the satisfaction of feeling like Dr. Dre every morning when I slip on my fresh t-shirt.

Glass Dropper Bottles

Every liquid is more interesting when it's in a vial. That's science. Think about the endless possibilities here. $335 bottle of La Mer moisturizer on your counter top? You're a gauche narcissist. Deposit it into 85 cent ULINE vials - you're a man of mystery. This is going to be an essential as curbing self-indulgences becomes de rigueur for the next few years. Store your expensive liquids as if you mixed the tinctures yourself, like a turn-of-the-twentieth-century traveling doctor, or Alex Jones.

Gloves in a Bucket

You get exactly what you expect here. It's gloves. In a bucket. $65 for 500 gloves in a bucket, to be exact. And $55 refills once you own the bucket. Let's be honest with ourselves - outside is going to be kinda gross for a little while, so you're going to want to have a bucket of gloves at the ready. These are latex and powder-free, puncture resistant, FDA compliant, either blue or black nitrile gloves. Your bodega could never. Okay, now that we've rationalized the purchase, look at this fucking bucket! Don't you just need two of these stacked between your LC1 chairs as a accent table, or just taking up space on your Eames storage unit? Just kidding, you have neither of those things because you're actually considering buying 500 gloves in a bucket. It's a cool bucket though.

Breakroom Coffee and Mug

This, in my opinion, is the ULINE holy grail. I want to see that box logo every day. I need that perfect blue in my life. There's something so satisfying about an industrial logo that exists out of pure necessity. The coffee? probably really bad, but worth a shot as $17 will get you 192 cups worth of gourmet coffee. You can always mask it with the $2.50 case of 100 sugar packets you're going to get along with it. Best of all? its all free with your purchase of $250 (upon request).

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